sunnuntai 26. lokakuuta 2014

Periodic Table of Metals

Today, while I was walking back to home, I realized that I had missed writing a text to this blog - this text I'm currently writing, right here - that should have been the first text after the introduction. Because I'm me and the terms I'm using are based on my opinions and views, which are of course different to each one of us, I should clear some abstract rubbish from this blog and set in stone what I mean with each term I'm using from time to time. There is no way I can avoid ambiguity with these and therefore be advised that these are highly based on what I think about the sub-genres of metal. And, thus, you have my permission to disagree and be wrong. (Kidding, come on... You should know that by now.)

First of all, as en example, let's consider something seemingly straight-forward: thrash metal. I doubt that anyone reading this text isn't familiar with this term, yet - and this amazes me every single time - there's as many different views on what exactly is thrash metal and what isn't as there are listeners. Without a shadow of a doubt I can say, 100% confident about myself, that thrash metal is a HUGE part of history and development of heavy metal, and its importance cannot - or at least it's nearly impossible - be overstated. Thus, there are thousands of bands, all more or less different (this is arguable, as we've all seen, no doubt) from each other, but somehow they're all filed under moniker of thrash metal - whether that is some sub-sub-genre ("technical thrash metal" etc.) or a fusion ("death-thrash" etc.) or just good old thrash metal. The variety is impressive, to say the least: think of bands as different as Sepultura (around the time of Beneath the Remains and Arise, their "golden age", as many fans consider it), Slayer, Metallica and Megadeth while they still gave a shit, Annihilator (I'm thinking of Alice in Hell -era), Stone (less-well-know early Finnish thrash metal band)... I'm trying not to dwell on this - since I'm planning a whole text about this subject, later in this blog - but to my mind all the above represent thrash metal in the late '80's and early '90's, yet the difference between Alice in Hell and Beneath the Remains (Why these two in particular? They were released the same year, 1989.) is on a scale which can only be called mindfuck.

This is why I must do this, even though it's against the principle of this blog - so, there we are, critics and cynics rejoice: third text in and I'm already selling-out. What follows is a boring-ass list of what I consider to be the essentials of each main sub-genre. I'm going to differentiate first wave black metal from "trve" black metal of the '90's and there after. Also, after the list there is some kind of timeline, but a very crude one at that, not graphical at all. I must also mention that being filed in this my Periodic Table of Metals does not exclude mentions in other contexts - for example, Sepultura will be in both thrash and death -section. If some of my choices seem weird or questionable, it most likely means A) there's going to be a text about it some time in the far future of this blog or B) you're wrong and ignorant and, to quote undying parody of Yngwie Malmsteen's guitar porno, I'm your new God. Again, this might seem unnecessary to some readers, but I just want to be all too clear about the terms - I study arts, history to be more accurate, and all this hermeneutic-bullshit is hard-wired to my brain.

PROTO METAL
Black Sabbath
Led Zeppelin
Deep Purple
Alice Cooper
tons of hippieshit and prognonsense with influence on the birth and evolution of metal, like Iron Butterfly, Cream, King Crimson and even The Beatles (Helter Skelter, anyone?)

EARLY METAL
Black Sabbath (occasionally)
Led Zeppelin (occasionally)
Deep Purple (occasionally)
Judas Priest

NWOBHM
Motörhead
Iron Maiden
Judas Priest (I know, I know, but think of the difference between Sad Wings of Destiny and British Steel or - god-forbid - Point of Entry)
Saxon
bunch of other bands that have been forgotten or who sold-out (I'm looking at you, Def Leppard).

CLASSIC HEAVY METAL
Dio
Iron Maiden
Twisted Sister
Quiet Riot
Judas Priest (again)
King Diamond
Accept

GLAM METAL
Mötley Crüe
Hanoi Rocks
Quiet Riot
Poison
Cinderella

SPEED METAL
Motörhead
Venom
Metallica (Kill 'em All -era)
Helloween (while Kai Hansen was singing)
Anthrax
Rage (early records)
Blind Guardian (the first three records)
King Diamond

THRASH METAL
Metallica (at the hight of their quality, not popularity)
Megadeth
Slayer
Sepultura
Sodom
Kreator
Destruction
Testament
Machine Head
Pantera

FIRST WAVE OF BLACK METAL
Venom
Mercyful Fate
Possessed
Slayer
Bathory

POWER METAL
Rainbow (with Dio on vocals)
Dio
Helloween (Keeper's -era and with Deris)
Gamma Ray
Primal Fear
Iced Earth
Rage (later records)
Nightwish
Blind Guardian
Stratovarius
Dragonforce (in all of their video game -glory)

DEATH METAL
Death
Cannibal Corpse
Deicide
Six Feet Under
Sepultura
Kreator (early records)
Insomnium
In Flames (at the early stages, and even then they were the most melodic death metal around; also all the main Gothenburg-bands)
Gorefest

PROG METAL
Dream Theater
Fates Warning
Meshuggah
Edge of Sanity (think about: there's few things more prog than a song clocking 40 minutes)

BLACK METAL
Mayhem
Burzum
Immortal
Emperor
Dimmu Borgir (whether you like it or not)
Satyricon
Dissection
Anaal Nathrakh

GRINDCORE
Napalm Death
Brutal Death
(other ways of dying, as well, haha)
Nasum

NU METAL
Korn
Defstones
Sepultura (around Roots)
Soulfly
Slipknot
Machine Head (it happened, even if you'd like to forget it)
Limp Bizkit
Linkin Park

GROOVE METAL
Pantera
Lamb Of God
Meshuggah (in a very particular way)
and a million copycats who play binary metal

INDUSTRIAL METAL
Rammstein
Turmion Kätilöt (yeah, not the biggest, but this is my list)

SYMPHONIC METAL
Nightwish
Epica
After Forever
Within Temptation
Turisas and other not-as-well-known male-fronted bands

FOLK METAL
Ensiferum
Bathory (the good stuff)
Moonsorrow
Turisas
Finntroll

METALCORE
As I Lay Dying
Killswitch Engage
all those worthless wannabe's who make music for those posers, who want to seem hardcore and metal, but don't actually want to listen to metal (Attack Attack is on my mind in this comment)

PERIODS:
'70's: The Founding Fathers
'80's: The Antiquity
'90's: Dispersion/"The Dark Ages".
'00's: The Renaissance
'10's: Period Still Under Construction, Please Wait

I hope this clears something out of the way. If it doesn't, fine, defeat accepted. The periods there are all (with the exception of '10's) going to be subjects of their own texts, so don't read too much into that, not yet. If you want to ask about some these choices I put up there, there's a comment option in this blog and I'd be glad to answer your hatemail, bullshit, valuable opinions. (It's a joke, so wipe that frown off yer face! I love - in a extremely platonic and often distant manner - you, all of you. Except you-know-who-you-are, if you're reading this; to you, fuck off.

Again I'm failing to be funny or smart and I'm resorting to profanities. It's time to put a stop to this, for now...

lauantai 4. lokakuuta 2014

Why Master of Puppets Sucks Even Though It's the Best Record Ever Made

The music we listened when we were teenagers is the best music we'll ever come by. This is rather straightforward, really, but often people don't seem to realize that. We'll never feel the same way we felt about music when the music was the only thing that mattered, when we found ourselves fistfighting (I accidently wrote: "we found ourselves fisting". Oops?) over which was better, Metallica or Megadeth etc. As we listen to those records that meant so much to us when we were younger, we revisit that nearly sacred bond between a man (or a gal - I'm not a bigot, you know?) and a metal record and naturally that record leaves a huge emotional impact on us - for the duration of that piece of music we are fifteen again, hanging out with pals long forgotten and passing a joint (I didn't do that, mom, it's just a mental image, okey? I'm painting a picture here, so just go with it) around while listening to that Most Awesome Record Ever Made.

There's nothing wrong with nostalgia, really, but the problem surfaces its ugly face when people don't realize the root of their pleasure and they try to reason why something far from perfect is the best thing ever evethough it clearly isn't. Here comes the part about one of the most popular metal records (among metalhearts): Master of Puppets. Everyone of us - no matter where you're from, what year you were born, or what other kind of metal you listened to - have listened Master of Puppets when we were younger; most of us liked it then, and very many of us loved it back then, thus creating a unique collective emotional bond with it. Even if you didn't like it - there are people like that, too - you had an opinion on it and, like myself, went to stupidifying lengths to prove your point to that other kid, who really loved the record. (Roni, I'm thinking of you here, in a extremely platonic manner, just to be clear.)

When it comes to Master of Puppets, there is no adjective too cheesy, too over-the-top and nothings too much, that can be attached to it. Yes, it is an important record and it certainly has a lot of high quality musicanship, but it's still just a record with several flaws in it that are easy to point out if you want to or can hear the record without the emotional judgement of nostalgia. First of all, James Hetfield wasn't that great a singer. His voice has only one dimension and he does what he can do with it, but to what it all boils down to is the simple fact, that with a more qualified vocalist (for example John Bush of Armored Saint and Anthrax - the guys from Metallica wanted him onboard, but Bush was reluctant and eventually refused to join the band) Master of Puppets would be a better record. Secondly, Master of Puppets is a product of its time of creation and thus reflects this. When it was released, no-one knew the importance the record would have in just a couple of years, but from our point of view (2014, nearly 30 years after the release) the influence is easy to see - as I said, everyone of us has heard the record when we were younger.

Sure, there are lot of very good elements in Master of Puppets - as I have said - but is it really the best record ever made? No, far from it, no matter how brilliant it might seem to be. Without the emotional burden of nostalgia and listening the record just as a collection of songs, the myth about the Best Record Ever Made unravels very quickly.

I'm not trying to take the nostalgia or the enjoyment from you, but instead I'm trying to point out the purpose of this blog and what it means to be subjective. I'm trying to show that we all have different kind of view-distorting nostalgia with us - something we compare everything else to - and most of the people seem unaware of this. That is why Master of Puppets is and isn't (kinda like Schrödinger's cat) the Best Record Ever Made: it seemed like that back in the day and now we're just too old, too tangled up in nostalgia, to see the painfully obvious truth that Master of Puppets kinda sucks.

Man, that's too dark, too serious. I have to lighten the things up a little... with a joke, yes. Okay, here we go... Wait, I got it, just a second. Yes, let's go with a classic knock-knock joke from Catch Me If You Can:
"Knock knock"
"Whose there?"
"Ehm... Go fuck yourself."
Who's overly serious now, huh?